I may regret the decision, but...

I ordered a rug for the baby's room!  There are two potential problems with this.  First, we don't officially know if the baby is a boy or girl yet.  At both of the last two ultrasounds, two different technicians guessed the same gender, so I have hunch what the baby might be.  However, it was still a bit early to tell for sure so I won't be totally convinced until we (hopefully) get another really good look at the 21 week ultrasound.  The second potential problem with this purchase is that I don't even know yet if we are going to get to bring this baby home.  But you know what? I have come to a point where I am going to plan on having this sweet baby until I have to deal otherwise.  There is no point sitting around here being depressed and fearing the worst.  If I have to mourn the loss of this child at some point, I will.  Until then, I am going to assume that God is going to continue to protect this precious life.  So, I bought a rug.  Mostly because I had been eyeing it for a while and it went on sale today, and I wasn't sure if the sale would last for another two weeks.  When we find out if it is officially a boy or girl, I will post a picture of the rug.  Wouldn't want to spoil it before then! 

Scenes from bed rest...

Sometimes, when you are on bed rest and Grandma has been on duty since 7:00 am and Daddy isn't coming home until super late because he is out to a business dinner, you turn on a movie for the boys after dinner so that Grandma can clean up the pasta that is all over the floor in relative peace.  And guess what, everyone loves the result.

It's too quiet today...

Today, I am at my house alone.  This is the first day I have been alone since I was put on strict bed rest almost four weeks ago.  And I can't tell you how wonderful a normal day sounds.  Doing laundry, sweeping, getting groceries, snuggling Ezra for nap time, prepping for dinner, getting the boys snacks after school, going for a walk, etc.  It's funny how a few months ago I would have given anything to spend an entire day at home by myself, and now I would give anything to return to normal life.  The grass is always greener, no?  But some day life will return back to normal.  I will eventually take care of my children, my home, my husband, and my yard by myself again.  And until then, I really should cherish this bit of a break, even if the circumstances are not ideal.  So with that, I will take this opportunity to lay out a few more details of this pregnancy.

At nine weeks, I had my first ultrasound.   This ultrasound revealed that I had a sub chorionic hemorrhage, which is essentially a pocket of blood trapped behind the placenta.  I don't know the exact percentage (because I am trying really hard to not research any of this online so as to avoid unnecessary paranoia), but a sub chorionic hemorrhage almost always corrects itself with no issues, particularly if the baby has a strong heartbeat, which ours did.  My doctor told me to expect some brown spotting and it would likely be no big deal.  Because that's usually what happens.

At twelve weeks, I started bleeding.  Heavily.  The first day it started I thought maybe it was just a really bad version of the brown spotting I was told to expect.  By the second day, we were at the emergency room.  I truly thought I had lost the baby.  They did an ultrasound in the emergency room, and it revealed that our little baby still had a heartbeat.  I was reassured by the emergency room doctor that I could continue my daily walks and normal life.  However, the bleeding continued.

At fourteen weeks, I had another ultrasound.  At this point, my doctor thought that the hemorrhage looked a bit better via ultrasound, but she was concerned that I was still bleeding so heavily.  I didn't actually see her that day, she just called and we talked over the results of the ultrasound on the phone.  I was scheduled to see her again and have another ultrasound at sixteen weeks. She mentioned that she wanted to check my cervix at the next appointment.  It was at this point that she told me I needed to really try to take it easy.  No more going for walks, no more lifting Ezra into his car seat or crib, no more strenuous chores.  I spent the next couple of days trying really hard not to google anything related to cervical issues during pregnancy.  But then I caved.  I researched an incompetent cervix and started to panic.  I wasn't supposed to see my doctor for another two weeks, and if the issue was in fact an incompetent cervix, the sooner the problem was detected, the better.  I felt like I couldn't wait two more weeks.  So, I called and requested that we look into the issue sooner rather than later.  I was scheduled for an ultrasound at the hospital two days later.

At fifteen weeks, I had said ultrasound.  C.J. was out of town on a business trip, so I was alone for this appointment.  Remember, the purpose for this ultrasound was to check the cervix since the hemorrhage was looking better but the bleeding continued.  I laid on the table and watched my precious baby's heart beat away and watched that little one kick and squirm all over the place.  However, the ultrasound tech kept saying odd things like, "You are handling this so well!" And, "Your cervix looks great!" (which is only concerning because I know they are not supposed to tell you anything themselves.  Any critical information must come from the doctor.)  I knew something was suspicious when she said she needed to run the results by her supervising doctor before she could let me leave.  I waited no more than a minute before she came back and told me to wait in the lobby.  Her supervising doctor wanted to call my doctor with the results before they would let me leave.  At this point, I knew something was terribly wrong.  They NEVER give you results that quickly.  It's usually me calling to pester them to see if the results have come back yet.  Not this time.  The ultrasound tech came back to tell me the doctor there had spoken to my doctor, and that I was free to go.  My doctor would be calling with the results.  I hadn't even made it out of the hospital hallway before my phone rang.  It was my doctor.  And it was devastating.

She told me that things really, really did not look good.  There was extensive damage to the placenta. It looked like the placenta was trying to completely detach.  She said that placental abruption is often difficult to detect via ultrasound, and they could see substantial separation in mine.  She told me I needed to go home and be on strict bed rest.  It was very, very likely I would lose the baby.  At best, she told me there was maybe a 10% chance the baby would survive.  My heart broke.  If, by a miracle, the baby hung on until 24 weeks, I would likely have to go to Seattle and be on hospital bed rest until something happened.

I somehow managed to drive myself home from the hospital and sobbed.  And my family came to the rescue.  Mom and Sherrie and Allison started rearranging their schedules so that they could take care of absolutely everything for me.  My job was to sit still and, most likely, wait for my body to let go of my baby.  That night, the bleeding stopped. Completely.  I had been bleeding heavily for a solid three and a half weeks, but that night it just stopped.  And I have not bled at all since that night.  Call it coincidence, call it a result of bedrest, but I believe God heard and answered the countless prayers being said for our baby.  Do I know what He ultimately has is store for this baby?  No.  I could still lose this baby at any moment.  But I know that my God is good, that He loves us, and that He is the creator of life.  He may still allow us to lose this baby, but today I am thankful for the miracle He has performed in this baby's life already.  Tomorrow, I will be 19 weeks.  At 21 weeks, I have another ultrasound scheduled.  Four weeks ago, I didn't think I'd ever get to say that I am 19 weeks.  And I especially didn't think that 21 weeks would seem not that far away.   I'm still praying for my baby and praying for a miracle.   But I have peace that, no matter the outcome, God has a plan that is good. 

He is Risen!

We had a wonderful day celebrating the resurrection of our Savior!  I decided it was acceptable to slightly alter "bed rest" for the day, considering that it is Easter Sunday.  We went to church, and then spent the day at Bob and Sherrie's.  It was wonderful!  It was so refreshing to get to spend the day with family and to curl up on somebody else's couch.  Today's version of bed rest was actually quite enjoyable!  Happy Easter!

Wish us luck...

There's no turning back now:

Scenes from bed rest...

Scenes from bed rest...

Planted...

Ezra found a new perch: (photos are courtesy of Allison)

Also, we got to hear another beautiful heartbeat yesterday morning.  One more week down, many more to go, God willing.  

Soaking up Spring...

Uncle Jason took the boys on another adventure today.  I'm pretty sure there is nothing these boys would rather be doing on a gorgeous spring afternoon.

Meanwhile, back at home, I ventured to a chair outside to soak up some glorious sunshine with my other two boys.  C.J. even brought our dinner outside.  You have no idea how good it was for my soul to bask in God's beautiful creation today!

Scenes from bed rest...

Sometimes, when you are on bed rest, your eight year old and six year old make dinner.  Tonight's menu was grilled cheese, tomato soup, and salad.  Grandma snapped the pictures of the boys hard at work in the kitchen.  Maybe there are more perks to our circumstances than I originally thought.  I mean, who doesn't want their kids to learn a little more independence?

The most beautiful sound...

Today, I am 17 weeks pregnant.  We have a standing appointment every Tuesday morning to listen for a heartbeat, and this morning we got to hear the sweet whoosh whoosh whoosh of our precious baby's heart beating away.  Until I can feel this baby move (which will likely be really late because of the placement of the placenta), the only reassurance I have that our baby is hanging on is hearing a heartbeat.  And honestly, right now I'm pretty sure there is no sweeter sound.  I am so incredibly thankful that God has protected this little life so far!  So until next Tuesday morning, I will sit here holed up in my living room praying that the placenta will provide exactly what this baby needs to keep growing and to keep that little heart beating.  

Meanwhile...

Jason took the older boys on an adventure this afternoon.  Did I mention that we are SO incredibly thankful for all of the help our family and friends have been giving us?  Pretty sure I did, but it never hurts to say it again.  Thanks for entertaining the boys today, Jason!

Scenes from bed rest...

Owen had his last basketball game this morning.  It's so hard to not be able to go, but Silas was kind enough to stay home with me and this is how we spent our time together.  Not a bad second option if you ask me!

"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

I had another ultrasound yesterday and am so thankful to be able to say that our baby is still growing and has a normal heartbeat.  With a chronic placental abruption, we will likely face many ups and downs, but I am praising God for each additional day that He keeps this precious baby alive and growing.  Each day is a gift and a miracle, and I pray that God will continue to protect this little baby one painfully slow day at a time.  I have found so much peace in the verse above.  There is literally nothing I can do to help my precious little baby except be still.  Every bit of this situation is fully in God's hands, and I trust that He will fight for me.  On my own, this feels impossible, but I know that God will give me the strength I need to get through each day.  And that's truly all I need.  Yes, I would love to know the outcome of this pregnancy.  I ache to know whether or not I will get to hold my baby in my arms.  I would love to know how many ups and downs we will face or how much bleeding there will or won't be.  I would love to be able to say that the thought of five months of bed rest doesn't scare me at all.  But I don't know any of that.  What I do know, however, is that today my baby is still alive.  And I will rejoice in each new day that I get to claim that miracle.  

Scenes from bed rest...

At least I am getting lots of good snuggle time with my boys!

Give thanks in all circumstances...

Today I am thankful for:

-The incredible support of family and friends, particularly Sherrie, my mom, and Allison, who are all drastically adjusting their lives and giving up their time to do absolutely everything for me.  Taking care of my kids, the house, the laundry, the yard, the cooking, getting kids to and from school, vacuuming, sweeping, etc.  Not for one second have I taken it for granted that we have so many people around us who are willing to sacrifice so much to give this baby a fighting chance.  I will never be able to fully express my gratitude.  Also, there are countless friends who have offered to bring meals, take care of school responsibilities, and the like.  We are so thankful for each and every one of you!

-My husband.  A man who is willing to give and give and give, even when his own plate is incredibly full.  He promised me he would be here through sickness and in health, and he is now proving that commitment.  I know this is not easy on him or on us for that matter, but I know God will carry us through this.

-Three healthy little boys running around this house bringing life to each day.

-Sunshine

-Spring.  Flowers blooming, trees budding, green popping up everywhere.  It is so refreshing to see signs of life right now.

-Hymns

-A gorgeous view just outside my living room windows

-Moments when my children run up and give me a snuggle or do something really sweet for me, and my automatic response is, "I'm the luckiest mom in the world!"  Although what we are walking through with this baby is an incredible heartache and struggle, I truly am blessed.

Scenes from bed rest...

Let me just tell you: doing your hair and makeup while looking straight down into your lap at a hand held mirror is not going to help you win any beauty competitions.  And that is so unfortunate considering all the people I am going to run into while being trapped in my living room.  Phew, close call.

Daring to Hope...

Just like any struggle in life, it's hard to imagine what it is like to go through something unless you have experienced it yourself.  So when I admit that it has taken a few days for God to bring me to a place where I can allow myself to hope for and pray for a miracle, please don't judge.  It's not a lack of faith.  I believe 100% that God can work a miracle and save this baby.  Do I know for sure that He will?  No.  But He has brought me to a place where I can pray fervently for my baby to survive.  Yes, the doctors are telling me it does not look good.  At best, there is maybe a 10% chance this baby will survive, medically speaking.  But for now, my precious child is hanging on.  And until that's not the case, I will hope and fight and pray that I will, one day, hold my baby in my arms.  At first, it was too scary to let my heart hope.  After all, there is still that 90% chance (medically speaking) that I will lose this baby.  But God has slowly been bringing me to a place of peace in hoping for a miracle.  And then today, a friend of ours from high school called my sister to say that she had gone through similar circumstances with her second child (Hi, Mary!).  I've heard of women who had to be on bed rest, but never for this long.  So to know that somebody else has walked in similar shoes and understands the mental, emotional, and physical struggle that this is, and in the end their baby defied the odds and SURVIVED was just the bit of encouragement I needed to allow myself to fully hope.   Thanks for reaching out, Mary.  Maybe one day we can start a support group! ;)

Anyway, as I sit here in the living room chair praying for a miracle, this is my view outside.  There will come a day, eventually, when I can get out and fly a kite with my boy again.  For now, he's happy doing it with Daddy and Gramma:



Also, my dear husband brought me my dinner tonight.  Technically I am allowed to go to the dinner table to eat dinner with my family, but tonight nobody was hungry at the same time, so I just ate in my chair (we have Grandpa to thank for that because he let the boys order LARGE Blizzards from Dairy Queen this afternoon!!).


P.S.  I feel like I should clarify what "bed rest" means in my case.  No, I don't have to spend all day laying in my bed (Obviously. You know, the whole dinner explanation above).  I get to take a bath, and then spend the day in the living room in a chair or on the couch. I am allowed to get up to use the restroom and to eat dinner with my family.  Maybe the rules will change a bit as we go, but for now that's what bed rest looks like.  

Sweet Baby...

This picture of our beautiful little baby was taken on Thursday.  My heart aches like I can't even explain when I look at this precious child.  I don't know if I will get any days with this baby outside of my body.  I long to hold this little one in my arms.  I long to hear this baby cry, and watch this baby smile, and crawl, and toddle, and run around the yard with the boys.  Medically speaking, it is not very likely that I will ever get to do those things.  But every day that this baby hangs on inside of me, I can't help but hope and pray for one more.  And then one more.  And then I find myself hoping for a miracle, and that leaves me vulnerable and terrified.  I love my sweet baby.  Regardless of the outcome, this will always be my precious child.  But ultimately I know that this is God's child.  And I have no choice but to lay my hopes and dreams for this little one down at His feet and trust.  Trust that His plan surpasses my understanding.

Helpless...

This is what it looks like when you are on bed rest and your toddler is sick.  It hurts as a mama to not be able to get up and dote on your sick child the way your normally would.  But I will cherish some good snuggles on the couch because, honestly, this busy little guy likely wouldn't spend even a minute on the couch with me if he weren't sick.  I will take what I can get.  Again, these photos are courtesy of Allison.  And that will likely be the case for a while.

For the few people left who check this blog, I hope you are willing to put up with a few more posts than usual in the upcoming weeks.  After all, I have nothing better to do.

A much needed glimpse of joy...

Alli took these pictures while the boys were playing at her house yesterday.  I can't tell you how desperately I needed to see these precious moments between two of my boys.  Even when your heart is breaking, there is still joy.

Memories worth keeping (courtesy of Allison)...

Two...

Today, our sweet little baby boy turns two.  And I know I say something to this effect every single time one of our boys has a birthday, but time truly flies by so unbelievably fast!  This little guy has added immeasurable joy, laughter, and craziness to our family and we are incredibly blessed to celebrate two wonderful years with him.  Happy Birthday, Ezra!